Image from the You Are Beautiful Project, Kip Stutzman
I got this question in my Formspring the other day, and I thought I’d share my reply on my blog as well. Forgive me for a minute for being a little off-topic, but this is something that’s important to me. I believe that we (as females) should all band together and fight back on all fronts, the notion that we need external validation and improvement to feel worthy or “good enough”.
How does one learn to love oneself? Most people tell me things like “I can’t tell you, no-one can except you”. I find this answer unsatisfactory and cryptic. Got anything better?
The first thing to ask yourself is this: “Do I believe that I deserve love?”
One of hardest things you can do, is accept the fact that you deserve to be loved, by yourself (or anyone else).
You do. And if you don’t believe it just yet, trust in me, just this once.
You deserve to be loved.
Self-loathing can be based in so many, many things, but I’ve found, most significantly, it is rooted in fear.
The fear of being yourself, of being your one-hundred percent, of not being accepted for who you truly are.
We’re afraid of our bodies being far from perfect, that our clothes are ugly and outmoded, that our teeth are not white enough, our hair not straight enough, our laugh too loud, our voice too shy. Growing up, it’s all too easy to learn from peers, lovers, family, media, that we are Just Not Good Enough and that we will never be Perfect.
Take a deep breath and listen.
You will never be perfect.
And it is in your imperfections that lay your greatest beauty.
Over the years, I’ve found my best path to self-acceptance lies in accepting those imperfections. Instead of trying to hide the things about myself that weren’t quite in the realm of “normalcy”, I learned to put them in the best light. Understanding yourself and indulging your inner eccentricities will make you happier than you will ever know.
Now, I could tell you a lot of really hokey things that I’ve read in therapy packets, you know, things like “write ‘I am a beautiful and unique snowflake’ on your mirror, or to give yourself compliments everyday, but that’s silly and won’t work if you don’t believe it.
And hell, a little bit of self-awareness and self-criticism is a good thing. Honest.
Being realistically aware of where you are at in your life, and where you need to be (and want to be) is how you grow as a human being. Problems develop when your expectations or evaluations for yourself are unrealistic, and there is a significant gap between the two. Know that where you are today, who you are, right now, is exactly where you need to be. There are lessons you are (or should be) learning, and tomorrow you will be one step closer to your one hundred percent self.
You have some idea of who you are, what you love, what your values are, what’s important to you.
Act on them. What can you do to be one hundred percent you?
What are you afraid of? Why do you feel incomplete? What don’t you like about yourself? How could you begin to change these things in a healthy way? How do you imagine your ideal self? (And NO, it does not include wearing a size zero or having a boyfriend/girlfriend.) What can you do each day, to step closer to that image?
One thing that I’ve found to help me focus myself, is to write often, in a private space. Question yourself, push yourself to answer honestly even if’s uncomfortable. Go beyond your comfort zone, because that’s where change lies. Strength cannot come from standing still, but from running just a little bit further every time. Even if it’s hard.
Surround yourself with friends that love you. They are out there, and they think you are amazing as-is.
Don’t be afraid to ask them for support or reminders, when you’re feeling low.
It’s a little bit of a process, don’t get me wrong. It takes time and tears and practice but more authentic and true to yourself you are, the happier you will be, and the more you can love yourself, and share that love with others.
4 Comments
um, hi, you are SO fucking awesome.
Oh! You flatter me too much. I just want to make my experiences and things I’ve learned useful for someone else.
Truth be told though Lenora, this does _not_ only apply to women. The actions of a few arrogant men could make you think otherwise, but there are a lot of guys who remain in the shadows and are too afraid to accept who they are. They feel (and sometimes are) ignored by the world around them. In fact, these sort of men grow resentful of their surroundings, especially women. Often these are the sort of guys who would do anything for a woman only to be turned away or deemed inadequate. A lot of it has to do with high school, which, I know, carries its own bullshit. But the effects of those experiences plus those in college can really begin to crystallize and set some awful thoughts in motion. And ultimately, despite all their resent, it is still rooted in the simple desire to be touched and to be loved.
Furthermore, I know plenty of men who want/need the same kind of validation that you describe. It is far more common than you think. Men have to deal with the same external pressures that women do, but we have a tendency to internalize our problems rather than express it. And that’s when it begins to fester.
Sometimes these problems even cross racial lines. To diverge a little bit, sometimes being a brown kid in America is tough, and its even harder for people from East/Southeast Asia. Its easy to make jokes, but I’ve had countless discussions where race has been a serious issue in romantic pursuits (for men).
But you are right and your solutions are 100% transferable across gender lines. You have to appreciate who you are and the only way for that to happen is to surround yourself by people who really love you. Start a hobby, push your boundaries, take yourself out of your comfort zone and experience things you never have before because that’s the only way you’ll grow and meet new people. Your friends are your support network but they are also the gateway to you loving yourself. Appreciate your independence and always try something new. Try to creatively express yourself. And honestly, exercise in some way or form. Not even for the sake of getting healthy. Just do it. Join a kickball league, join a gym, do yoga. It feels great (over time) and heightens your self-awareness.
You make a really valid point, and I suppose it’s ignorant of me to presume that only women go through this particular struggle. I do feel more intimately qualified to speak about it from a female perspective, because I do think that there is a difference in how each gender deals with insecurity, and I can’t make too much claim to understand how to deal with that as a male. But we are all human, and are all seeking the same state of acceptance and love.
I’m interested in your comment about race being an issue in romantic pursuits for men, do you mean in terms of approaching and meeting someone new or within a relationship? Do you feel that it’s less so for women?
I’ve been thinking a lot about how we choose to approach (and interact with) possible romantic interests lately, and how we respond based on those few instant judgments.
I’ve recently had quite a few interactions recently where a guy approaches me and still chooses to aggressively attempt to pursue me, even when I plainly (and politely) state that I’m not interested, and I wonder whether these actions come from a place of arrogance or insecurity.
I could write a whole other post about that subject, though…